Healthy Living by Kirstie_McIntosh

Much to one reader's delight, today's post will, again, concentrate on underwear. But, I am not talking any kind of undies, I am talking the functional stuff, created with additional features other than simply ensuring you don't get a cold bum, or, for you chaps, minimising the occurrence of 'wet penny in your pocket moments'.

Well, the fact that Amanda Holden flashed her pair of Spanks early this week as this year's rounds of Britain's Got Talent got underway, and cellulite reducing knickers are in the headlines, I couldn't leave it alone, but I'll be brief I promise.

Now, us girls are used to it - clothing with a million-dollar body enhancing promise that is. You know the type of thing...

'The wonder bra - will take any chest from fried egg flat to burlesque and busty'

The aforementioned 'Spanx - a godsend to hoist in all the chub (and push it out in all the right places)'

Plus there's the stuff that doesn't just make you 'look' slimmer, there's the undies that can actually (well, allegedly) make you slimmer too.

Take, caffeine filled slimming tights as a good, if not highly comical example. On a side note these were introduced to me by the one and only CLP, Christophe Lambie Pie some time ago.

Back to the tights, apparently...

'Wearing these fantastic tights on a regular basis can lead to a loss of up to 2cm around the thigh. It is recommended that you wear them on a daily basis for 28 days; so they come in a handy three-pack.'

So, does that mean if you wear the whole three pack you'll have silky smooth pins in less 10 days? Sorry I will carry on with the sales pitch...

'Harnessing caffeine into the fibre using micro capsules, the body temperature rouses them into action and hey presto! And the more you wear them the better.'

Caffeine filled or not, I'm not really a tights gal (the festive red ones were just an exception), you see when you are 4ft 11 and you have to get a garment that comes in only three sizes (S, M & L) you know you are on to a loser. If wear a pair of 'panty hose' I can pretty much guarantee the gusset will be at knee height even before I get to my car in the morning. Plus, who cares if my legs are free from orange peel bumps if I look like some bad pantomime character and stink like a triple shot from Starbucks.

But what about the boys - are you feeling left out? No fear, it looks like even you blokes can't escape the joys of body enhancing clothing, as there are Wonderjocks.

Yup - if you are looking for a shapely rear and a generous front package - these babies promise to 'lift, separate and extend' using your assets to their greatest effect with 'Wonderjock pouch technology'.

How's about that for a sales pitch? To be honest it's making me feel quite queasy - but it's the spec that takes my nausea level to 'retch' point, here it is...

'Waistband: Elastic & Tie cord. Sheer Rating: Extreme 9/10. Single lined rear. 100% Nylon.'

Promise me one thing lads, don't buy a pair. Strangely I think the general feeling is that a bloke in a pair of Amanda Holden's Spanx would be sexier than one sporting cheek-lifting, semi see-through nylon briefs with a fake bulge.