Today, I Have Been Mostly... by Rob_Barber

As tired as I've been in a long time. Not just the "I could do with a couple of extra hours kip" sort of tired, but the really awful fatigued sort of tired where you start to fall apart. Where muscles start to pull, where your belly starts to ache, where your brain stops functioning.

I tried to write a blog post last night, and though I knew what I wanted to say, I couldn't actually type it.

It started really on Thursday, when I slept so long after my night shift that by the time I woke up I'd missed the entire day, it was time for work again. I never normally sleep like that, and felt really heavy and lethargic after. A whole day of doing stuff that needed to be done was lost.

Friday was a busy day, and yet I seemed to get nothing done. Only significant thing was picking up a tonne of pellets for the new boiler, but whatever else I did, there's little or no evidence of it, and yet I know I genuinely was busy. I should have been sleeping.

Another sleepless night (note to self; the extra money for these night shifts might not be worth it), had a doze for just shy of 2 hours in the morning then straight off up to Oldham for the 2nd weekend of learning for improver / advanced level Pilates. That was hard going. Although I was desperately keen to try and absorb everything from both theory and practical participation, staying awake was a right royal battle, which I almost lost a couple of times. Driving home I had to stop twice for a walk around in the chilly evening air, because I could feel my concentration lagging behind the wheel.

Arrived home then to the news that my wifes Taid was knocking on heavens door. Sad, upsetting, and yet equally relieving. Just like my Granny was, he hasn't really been here since he had his stroke. His has been cruel in many ways, he's been in and out of coherent thought, when he's been with it, he's been fully aware of his circumstances and wishing for death, saying "I've had a good life, and a good long innings, and I don't have any regrets at all, I'm ready to go now".

Right up until that day of his stroke Richard had been one of those people that you couldn't help but marvel at. He had a mind which ran rings around people many years his junior, was tremendously active and despite his 90+ years and replacement knees was still fit as a fiddle and strong as an ox. I have missed him these last couple of years. He was fantastically good company. Many people that age have the same half a dozen or so stories they recount on a continous loop, but Richard always had something new to offer, always had a valuable contribution to every conversation, and was still living his life in the fast lane.

At least now, in our memories we will have the pleasure of him as he was, without having to see what his stroke had turned him into. R.I.P. Richard. I'm so sorry I did not get to see you in your final days.

That's not what I was going to type - it must have needed to come out. So, as you can imagine saturday was a very disturbed night with much to-ing and fro-ing and high emotions. I'd wanted to see him, but it was more important that Tam got to, and Oliver couldn't be left in the house alone. 

The really weird thing was, for almost all of my drive home all I'd been able to think about was Richard, and that I should go and see him, because if I didn't do it now I'd end up not able to at all. Intuition or what?

So Sunday, back up to Oldham and now entering that fatigued state. Body feeling like its falling apart, every injury of old making itself felt, knee, back, neck, shoulder, calf, achilles x 2, elbow, pelvis, head, hamstring, fingers, even my foot! Would have been a really hard day without pain killers. Homeworks I'd meant to have done, not done, obvious why, late setting off again which never sits well with me. Though externally I looked more awake than the previous day, I was not, and I really struggled to take on board any of yesterday's lessons.

I'd told Tam to phone me straight away if she wanted or needed me at home. She never rang. One of the girls on the course (Emma? - If I wasn't so tired I'd have known that for sure) had a problem with her car tyres - she was driving back to Glasgow too. I helped her out as best I could, but one of her tyres had a big bulge in the sidewall, couldn't let her risk driving on that, her spare was on the car and the wheel that had come off had a fast puncture. She was supposed to be getting someone to do her tyres. Asked her to text and let me know whether she got home ok, because it would play on my mind. She didn't. It did. I hope she made it ok.

Taid passed away finally at 10am. Tam was happy she had seen him Saturday night, and just felt relieved that he had finally been granted the release he wished for, so she'd not needed to ring me. Tam's dad also felt the same way. He had tried to get back there for his dad's final moments, but didn't make it on time. Later he said though that he had no regrets about that though. 

Nothing to add about training really - I haven't done any for days.