The Monster Dash

If it wasn't bad enough with having to cope with being a vampire condemned to a life in a world of eternal darkness this winter, I now have Halloween to contend with. The day started badly as I woke with a head like a werewolf, but I am alright nowooooooooooh...!! Then it sank even lower as I crossed the draw bridge of my haunted stately pile for my evening run only to be confronted by three characters that remotely resemble Yoda from Star Wars, ET the extraterrestrial and Zippy from Rainbow. "Trick or Treat...?" They look up at me like three out tune carol singers in ill fitting fancy dress costumes.

"BOG OFF....!"

This band of munchkins beg a question or three. Where has the scary bit gone to in Halloween, you know ghosts, ghouls and things that go bump in the night. Scary stories that made the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end, and gave you nightmares.  Scary people like Vincent Price and Boris Karloff, and why don't trick and treaters go and knock on Peter Cushions or Christopher Lees door for a change. Further more, why don't they go and knock on Simon Cowells door and see what they get...? There again, he'll select them for his next show of cringe worthy talent less no hopers to suffer on a Saturday evening. Now that's scary.

What has happened to the Halloween I used to know..? Has it, like Christmas become a commercial exercise, as supermarket giants like Tesco and Sainsbury’s rub their evil hands together at the Ker-ching of every cash register....? I guess the scariest thing about Halloween today is, looking at your shopping bill and wondering what are you going to do with all those pumpkins that you have brought....?

So has Halloween lost its tradition then, is it as spooky anymore and has the Grim Reaper come and despatched it to another place...? Where have all the witches gone who ride around on broomsticks and have black cats...? They can't of surely all married rock stars that bite the heads off bats and become X factor judges can they...? What of the Headless horseman and the Grey Lady, have they all become spirits and appear in trendy wine bars as the new vodka based fruit drinks for binge drinkers...?

Like most things in today’s world, I sense an Uncle Sam influence. Even the adult in the red leather jacket and the unconvincing theatrical make up, acting as minder for three wise midgets, fails to bear any resemblance to a zombiefied Michael Jackson from the 'Thriller' video. And since when has Michael Jackson been female.. Or, was it one of his transformations that had gone horribly wrong...? I guess if your plastic surgeon is named Frank N Stein, you do pay your money and take your chances.  And I can only presume that the creature clutching her hand is Igor.

"Trick or treat...?"

It looks like I am going to have to play along with this, or I will nether be rid of the Adams family.

"Okay, give me a treat...” Five hundred pounds would be nice, a Caribbean cruise, or a tip for the 3.30 at Kempton Park. No reaction at all, as all three stand looking up at me with their hands held out. I know this is not Christmas, but I can do a scary Halloween Scourge.

"Okay, trick...” I can do a few card tricks, or I could be Paul Daniels and get the Black and Decker from the shed and saw Debbie McGee in half. I could even do a few bar miracles, like turning wine into water. Were they impressed....? No, what I trick it got was being pelted with sponges and kicked in the ankles by Yoda. I let out a blood thirsty cry, “Ha bloody ha....!". 

The trio scampered off down the pathway, closely followed by Michael Jackson dragging along poor old Igor. You could say....

They did the dash....

They did the Monster dash.....

They did the dash...

It was a graveyard splash....

They the dash...

They off in a flash.....

They the dash

They did the Monster dash.....!!!

(31/11/2007)