7 events we wish were real
7 new events we want to watch
Ever thought that the 100m might be a little outdated? Ever wanted to spice up the swimming or rebrand the relay? We have. Here are seven legendary events that we’d love to watch.
Events we’d love to watch: The late-for-work dash
Your eyes open up slowly and glance at the clock...and then the late-for-work dash begins. Athletes will have to hurdle over piles of unwashed laundry, hop to the bathroom whilst pulling on their work suit and simultaneously brush their teeth whilst: making toast, drinking tea, brushing their hair, shaving and packing their bag for the day ahead. The finish line is the bus queue, which is a 200m sprint from the racer’s front-doors. Contestants will be judged on speed, final appearance and agility.
Athletic requirements: competitors will have to have ambition and a flare for ambidextrous versatility. They will be excellent at cutting corners and cramming.
Events we’d love to watch: Kissing – the new ladies volleyball
We would love to pull up a seat at a kissing marathon. Although this sounds ridiculous, kissing competitions do actually exist and there is even a handy smooching rule book. We have a feeling that the winners of this ultimate, kissing competition would be Nonthawat Charoenkaesornsin and Thanakorn Sitthiamthong; a kissing couple who hold the record for the world’s longest kiss. Incredibly this cute couple managed to canoodle for a whopping 50 hours, 25 minutes and 01 second.
Athletic requirements: researchers say we use 30 muscles when kissing so if you want to pucker up and compete in this smoochy sport you’ll have to be extremely strong.
Events we’d love to watch: Owling
Ever heard of owling? It’s a new craze where people clamber up objects and stare into the distance, pretending to be an owl. Guys and girls all over the world do it already so why not make it into an athletic event? Owling athletes would be marked on the height they reach, their glazed expression and of course their twit-twoos. A feathery costume would also be a bonus.
Athletic requirements: patience and creativity are must-have qualities to be an excellent owling fiend. A fear of heights might make for interesting watching.
Events we’d love to watch: High heel 20km walk
Tottering around in killer heels is quite a skill and we’d love to see heel wearing ladies put to the ultimate 20km test. The course would be challenging and the terrain tough. Women would have to tackle cobbled streets, tramp through grassy banks and cross icy paths. The final hurdle for these fashion fanatics would be the daunting cattle grid. Rather than medals we think gold, silver and bronze Jimmy Choos would be more fitting.
Athletic requirements: bigger footed women would definitely have an advantage here, as would gals with big calves and strong ankles.
Events we’d love to watch: Air guitar relay
We all love a relay, but they can be a little predictable can’t they? To spice them up we think runners should have to air guitar when music is blasted into the stadium. Runners will need to head bang, mime and thrust in order to win big points. Then when the music stops it is back to the relay. Runners should also be aware of the booby song, which will be Green Day, Nice guy Finishes Last. If runners make the mistake of gyrating to this song they are automatically disqualified.
Athletic requirements: top-notch listening skills and a flamboyant streak is essential if you are going to succeed in the air guitar relay.
Events we’d love to watch: Coping with brain freeze
This event might verge on cruelty to competitors but it would be fantastic. Ice cream would be lined up on a huge trestle table and when the start gun is fired the athletes would have to grab their special ice-cream spoons and dive into an icy world of pain. The faster you recover from this freezing torture the better, and the hot fudge trophy will be awarded to the fastest man or woman who overcomes this brain freeze feat.
Athletic requirements: all you need for this event is a brave heart and steely determination.
Events we’d love to watch: Finding lost keys
Where are the keys; jacket pocket, key pot, bag? No. This athletic event would be frantic and fun. Keys would be hidden by a member of the crowd and the frustrated athlete would have to search high and low for the lost keys. Obstacles and distractions would also be unexpectedly thrown into the competitors’ path. Anything from the phone ringing to the baby crying and the fed up key hunter would have to deal with each new distraction.
Athletic requirements: participants would have to be cool headed and calm under pressure. Excellent lost key hunters can succeed under the greatest of pressures.