Every now and then I fall apart...and I need you now tonight

Posted on: 23 Feb 2014

Today I ran angry... very angry

I am usually a very placid person - I keep happy and don't take things too seriously but every now there is a chink in my serenity.

I still did it - 2miles running in 17mins (you can tell I was angry!) and then a slow walk for 0.4 miles to ease myself home.

I feel I need to let some things go: Apologies, my usual happy bouncy self should be back tomorrow

(1) I am angry that the football team I play for and manage lost 4-1 to bottom of the league today playing some awful football and I feel responsible - it feels a personal failure

(2) I am angry that I am back to work tomorrow and and 100hours or more away from where I'd like to be in terms of marking, planning, SoW and PLCs for KS3. I had my most productive half term ever - got on top of lots of marking, played less computer games (I have struggled with addiction) than ever before and felt very good for most of it (as my blog posts have verified) yet feel miles apart

(3) I am angry that my line manager has arranged for the head of ICT to intervene on the Maths SoW because it is felt I need help without any words of this to me or even letting me know there are issues.

(4) I am angry that my colleague who is a good guy in ICT dept, informed me that "several members of the department" feel there are problems with my work with no-one speaking to me

(5) I hate feeling like people are unhappy with me or I have let people down, it is my biggest fear and yet I do some things to sabotage myself

(6) I am angry that I am angry, despite having completed 14 runs in 14 days, when I should be on top of the world with myself.

(7) I am angry that I cannot press a button and get rid of my anger or (irrationally) pause time and get everything done tonight without getting tired.

(8) I am angry that my reports have come back needing changes when I thought I had done what I was supposed to.

(9) I am angry that I have done so much good stuff, have great ideas but some teachers won't come with me and are stuck light years behind me, that the kids relate to me better than anyone else in the department and love my teaching yet I am seen as the "different", "difficult" or "abnormal" one

I am so sorry for inflicting that on people - if you read to the end, thank you so much for caring (in my eyes, just reading this far is caring)

I will leave you with news that the local police dog training centre was broken into last night with several things stolen - police currently have no leads.

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