Hopefully happier times ahead!!

Posted on: 26 Apr 2018

Firstly, before I go any further I just wanted to say that I’ve not written this blog as a “pity party” I just needed to finally get back onto the world of RB & running after a very, very long absence!

As a few of you already know early 2015 was the start of one of the most shittiest (apologies for language) times of my life. I lost my son’s father (Rory), my Mum, one of our dogs and got made redundant all within 12 months and from then on found life pretty hard to cope with.

Although I didn’t have much incentive to run at this time I did apply to the British Heart Foundation after Rory’s sudden death to a heart attack to run in his memory and raise funds for the BHF at the 2016 VLM. Thankfully I got a place with them and although it was an emotional run as I’d also lost my Mother by then it was another amazing day being cheered on by the wonderful RB crowd.  

For a period of weeks/months I was enjoying my time away from work but as we were planning on moving into my Mums old house and getting this done up plus an extension I needed to start earning a wage. But blimey what a minefield the job search world is!

I joined a few job agencies, which on the whole were pretty rubbish, so most of my job searching/applying was done by myself and not an easy task at the grand old age of 56, as although companies won’t admit it I knew I wasn’t getting certain interviews due to  my age, also some of the utterly stupid questions I was being asked (wont bore you with those) completely baffled me so found the whole process bloody tiresome and when one interviewer called me a Cougar (because my husband is younger than me!) at an interview (I wanted to punch the stupid ignorant idiot!) I called a halt to the whole process and stopped looking for a while and sadly, it all sort of went downhill from there and I sunk into a horrible pit of depression.

Again, I won’t bore you with the details but if anyone has suffered from this awful (often unnoticed & ignored) illness it is not something that you can just snap out of.  It gets a grip and won’t let go.

I felt useless, old, fat, ugly etc etc etc and although I had so much good in my life and lots to be grateful for I really was sinking pretty low until I had to finally admit defeat and head to the doctors and seek help from mild anti-depressants. I know it sounds silly but I couldn’t even admit to Tony (hubby) that I was on them until things came to a head on our holiday last year and told him (it was either that or he’d have probably flung me over a cliff!). The only other people I told was my sister and our wonderful Hollywood Dave, who even though he was going through such tough times himself gave me never ending support and non-judgmental help and advice.

So, this was how it was going to be for the following months, some good days, some great days, some bad days & some really, really crappy days! I completely shut myself off from running and RB. I still enjoyed our RB meet ups in Snowdon and London but just had no interest in running myself or reading/writing blogs!  I just have to be honest here and say I really just couldn’t be bothered by it all – sorry for this!

The above wasn’t helped by the fact that I was also being knocked sideways by symptoms of the menopause which I was also trying to ignore by thinking “it will just pass”.

Things started to get a bit better when I was offered a job in February this year by a motorsport company in Banbury, which would get me out of the house and also be able to contribute to the bills! The house I inherited from my Mum was also finally finished in March so we could at least move in there and have that to look forward to but I could still not quite see through the blackness that would hit me.

Thankfully where I now work there are several ladies of a similar age to me who could see (as they had been through it) the horrible menopausal symptoms that I was suffering through and for those who are reading this and have also suffered know how bloody difficult it is and the effects it can you on you and your loved ones (as a lot of the time I wanted to kill someone!!) & after a few heart to hearts with them I have now made another appointment with the doctor and see if going on HRT will help me as well.  I think now that I have finally made this decision I am starting to see some light at the end of a very, very long and dark tunnel.

So, this week (after meeting up with the amazing, inspirational RB legends at the VLM) I have decided that positive action needs to be taken as I can’t continue to live like this anymore as it is harmful to me but even more importantly to my loved ones and relationships.   I have ditched my bad eating habits and getting back to eating more healthily, I am aiming to get out later after work and start to run again. It won’t be easy as its been so long but hey we have to start somewhere.

As a lot of the RB crew know, I have signed up for Race to the Stones in July and Snowdon in October. I’m not too worried about Snowdon yet but as I have done absolutely no training whatsoever I am really concerned that I won’t make it to RTTS. Whether I just walk most of it and get it done or admit that I won’t be able to complete it and pull out now I’m just not sure. I don’t want to let anyone down but I also don’t want to put any unnecessary pressure on myself (which was half my problems before!) so it is a case of wait and see how I am nearer the time.

I wish my blog was of a more positive one but I needed to be open and honest and get a lot off my chest and hopefully start to move forwards to a happier and brighter future. 

Thanks for reading all & I hope to be on here a lot more often.

Bevlar xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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