Carmen's Plodathon by SuperCaz

I've been absent for a long time and a lot has happened.  I'm not really sure where to start and how much I should post on a public forum.  But you can thank RB for getting the notifications fixed as it has made me realise that I am blocking out one source of support.

I stopped blogging because I didn't know what to put.  I have had a lot of trouble adjusting to my new status as an unemplyed person who chose to quit work.  In some ways being made redundant would have been easier as the decision would have been made for me and I would have started looking for another job straight away.  But I made sure that I could afford to live financially before I quit work, so there is little incentive for me to go back and that raises a whole load more questions.

I was brought up to expect to work for everything in life.  I don't think I have ever been handed anything on a plate since I was about 14 and even before then it was encouraged that I did little chores to earn rewards around the house.  But now I am sitting at home being handed everything on a plate by my dear Hubby, and feeling guilty about it.  I think that if I was hard up and receiving benefits then I would not question it but be straight out looking for work, however I find myself in that strange postion where I don't need to work... but I need to feel that I am pulling my weight.  Also it feels wrong to take a job when so many of my friends are suffering financially.  They should be the ones getting a second income for the hosuehold (or a first income in some cases), not me.

I also don't want to go back to work.  I've done my fair share of crappy hours and high stress jobs and I feel that I need, as well as want, a break.  I didn't realise how stressed I was when I was working, until I left and suddenly my health fell apart.  But I am climbing back up again and can't really complain about my health at the moment.  Lots of tiny things have hammered it home to me - for example, when I was last visiting my mum I offered to make everyone a drink and helped mum with the washing up.  I don't rememebr doing that for a long time and I think it was becasue my brain was so tired that I couldn't see that she needed help or that I was in a position to do something to help her.  It was such as effort to even think, yet along get out of a chair back then.

So now I am in a better place.  After weighing up all the options I feel that I am going to stay off work for a while.  I will need to tighten my belt a bit to be able to afford it, but to be honest I was never a big spender in the first place and don't place much importance on material things so it won't be much of a hardship for me.

I have so much to say that I could be here all day, so I am going to leave it at that for now and maybe write the next installment tomorrow.