No Rest until Blackheath Common by nigeruns

Trainee psychopath

Here is a question that I am often asked....? "Why don't you drive a car.....?"

The obvious answer would be because I run everywhere, and that I am just a big fluffy scardy cat, though the truth of the matter is very simple.  I would be just another added menace to other road users. It would be like putting Mr Magoo in charge of Louis Hamilton's formula one racing car, and then there would be the question of co-ordination, which peddle is the brake, and which peddle would be the accelerator...? We are talking about a man with two left feet here.

This also explains the reason for why you will never find me as a contestant on 'Strictly Come Dancing', as I would undoubtedly be a menace on the dance floor too.  In the words of Phil Collins and his backing band Genesis, 'I can't dance.....' I lack the pazaz of Fred Astaire, and don't cut a dash like Gene Kelly. I even lack the fandango of Lionel Blair, as I am a complete disaster and lack any artistic content, which would guarantee nil points from the judging panel.  However, having said that, I did once have lessons in tap, which resulted in doing myself serious damage - I slipped and fell into the sink....!!

Danger is no a stranger to me, as I often put my life on the line during my Sunday morning training run. The early morning becomes the habitat of the trainee psychopath, as a fleet of driving schools all descend on the leafy lanes of Harborne. Nervously, they can be found kangaroo hopping their way in convoy, jerking along at 10 miles per hour and staling a lot. I often think to myself as I trot past, how lucky, as that could be me, a potential trainee psychopath.

It is like watching Wacky Races without Dick Dastardly and his faithful side kick, Mutely. Cars mount pavements, while the witless trainee psychopath practices his three point turn. They tackle difficult manoeuvres, like braking, indicating left and right, and testing that the windscreen wipers are working properly, even though it is not raining. The dawn chorus has been replaced by the sound of grinding and crunching gears, and in the distance you can hear the smash of glass, as the trainee psychopath attempts to park into a confined space.

It is a sad and depressing sight. It is one of carnage, as there are tears of frustration and anger. You can cut the nervous tension with a knife, and if you listen hard enough, you can even hear the muffled sound of ripping, as the infuriated instructors pull handfuls of hair from their scalps.... "Brake......Brake.....BRAKEEEE....!! Ever wondered why all driving instructors are bald.....now you know.

Another reason why I don't drive is because it is unhealthy. Not being behind the wheel means that I can walk, run, and take part in healthy exercise. The result is that I feel good in myself. I am confident that I have the physic of an Adonis, and I don't need a car as an extension to my manhood. If I don't have a big one already, then driving a car would increase my size 12 carbon footprint to a size 13, as it would make me less ecco friendly.

Also, I am fairly sure that if I were a driver of a automotive vehicle, I would win the Nobel Prize award for being the laziest man on the planet. I would use the car to transport me everywhere, even to the shops to buy a bottle of milk and some eggs. Though somehow, this could be my down fall, as for when I arrived home I would find that someone had parked in my space.  This would get me very angry, so much so that I would stamp my feet up and down and throw my toys out of the pram.  My blood pressure would rise, and my stress levels go though the roof. 

Someone parking in my space would make me bitter and twisted, and it would turn me to drink. I would become a alcoholic with psychopathic tendencies.  But as it is against the law to drink and drive, inevitably I would lose my driving licence. Which brings us back to the opening question: "Why don't you drive a car....?"

You could say, that the real reason why I lace up my Adidas training shoes, and go running, is because that I am a alcoholic with a running problem.   (13/1/2008)